Past

I can play nice

But I never forget
Nor forgive

That's what people seem to miss

All These Things That I've Done

After almost 5 months
It's time to leave it all behind
Everything I've built with my bare hands

My own life, away from it all

Time to take it all back
My old life, part built by me, part built by luck

It's time
It's time to go home

Stave off

Now that I'm going home
People ask me if I'm excited, if I'm glad I'm returning

Whilst there are mixt feelings
I can't help but feel a bit unsettled about what will I find when I return

Will everything just go "pause/play" and what I've left behind
Continue like nothing happened ?
Is it broken or just latent ?
Can it be repaired or is just an empty shell filled with false hopes ?

Nothing left in the tank, no desire to work
Just .. just get me home

And let me see what's going to happen

Uncertainty kills me

Repairs

For the first time in almost 5 months
The saying "Romanian machine never breaks"
Came to an end

No, not really breaking
It just burned out, no more gas left in the tank

It's time to head home
Regroup, rest, rebuild

Home

Never thought I would be returning there

Wherever it might be

October

I've always had a soft spot for October and autumn in general
It's hard to explain, hard to explain the bitter sweet blues

Autumn has offered so many new starts and sudden endings
It's a time for high hopes and feel good moods

Right now, it only made me miss autumn back home
My true autumn

Right now it's filled with uncertainty

Still, the blues are here and they are nice to have on a cool, sunny morning
Hangin' on a cigarette

Help, I'm Alive

I'll always remember it

Because she rocked our faces off as she promised

I Could Go

Not much more to say
But that that I'm staying some more

How much more ?
We'll see

Line 1

Because sometimes I feel like I should never return
Never to be seen again, all gone

Because sometimes the future seems so uncertain
All the things that I believed in seem to fade away
I don't know what to believe or feel

Maybe I'd be better off here
Maybe everything will turn out fine

"I am trying to shake all these blues away
 Only good thoughts can stay

 And I'm trying to shake all these blues away

 And I'm trying to burn this lonely forest"

Sometimes shit seems to break down
Sometimes I seem to break down
But I never give up
Because I was raised relentless

Thinking about home reminds me how everything is falling apart
But I'm going to get shit back together
No matter how

That's why I work 16 hours a day
Thru pain and utter hell
I want to help the people that once helped me
No matter the battering or the costs I take
Or my body, for that matter

And it's the stars
They shine for you

They may not shine for me
I have been the dark horse and the underdog all of my life
And I'm never going to give up

Not now
Nor ever

Do or die
That's why I came here

To get shit done
And help everyone

That's how I roll

Heinrich Maneuver

Life has a funny way of balancing shit out
Just when you're about to snap and punch people in the throat
That's when shit changes

It just changed
And I got that boost in moral that made me go on
Got to spend pretty much the coolest day/night in last 2 months
The past week has been all good shit, all day long
Damned if I know how the Universe works

Sometimes I wish I never came here, sometimes I wish this would never end
Sometimes I'm lost
But sometimes I'm on top of the world

Right now, I'm on feel good streak

Toughness

Mental toughness
Because the dark part of my mind is a sleeping monster
And it feels like it's trying to wake up
For the first time in months
Because nothing is ever fair

As it seems things are falling apart back home
Or was it just an illusion the whole time ?

Most probably not
But it feels like shit is fading away

Mental toughness is what I've got left
As I battle fatigue and injuries
I keep a happy face tho
Because the people around me make me smile

It's better that no one knows what's really going on inside of my head
Because here
I'm somebody else
Someone I barely even recognize
But in a good way

*Fate don't fail me now
I'm me
All that I believe I set myself free
So take all the time you need
And let yourself be

I'm as fucked up as they say
I can't fake the daytime
Found an entrance to escape into the dark
Got false lights for the sun
It's an artificial nocturne*

Focus

It goes on
Never really believed my body can take this kind of grind
The kind of battering I was ever so scared of enduring
But I'm handling it 
Even better, I'm starting to strive under a new kind of pressure

I have a good feeling of a job well done
When you stand out of the crowd thanks to your work ethic and dedication
And when you're able to bond with other people
Lead other people
And get shit done
I know I'm making someone proud

In less thank three weeks, I went from being completely clueless
To an important member of the team
And I'll rise through the ranks in the new place, too

It's important I stay focused and ready
It's important to keep my shit together
It's important to know there's going to be a happy ending
No matter what

Eyes on the prize

"Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Keep it up, I know you can
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Cause I am"

I do miss one particular thing
A very particular hug

Team, get it together !

Against all odds

I won't hide it
I never really did like to work
Not back home, not where everybody was an asshole
But I do like to work in America
I do like it when people are amazed by the fact that I'm a fast learner
And that I have strong work ethic
I'm amazed too, I didn't think I had it in me

The fist bumps
The "good work, man" or "why can't the rest work like you ?" and "dude, this guy is ready !"
The pat on the back
The teamwork and camaraderie that I've witnessed
It's great and I'm emerging as a leader and a strong worker
I've advanced like no other in less than 2 weeks
I'm not blowing my own horn here, I'm just glad to know I'm not a failure
And that I am going to survive in this world
I wasn't sure I had it in me
But it feels great to know I'm not useless

"Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn"

I miss all the people I left behind
And I'm sorry I can't help them out
Because some of them need help

But I do miss them dearly
And I miss her a hella lot
But I will come back
And I will set the record straight
And drag everybody with me
To better days

"Everybody come take my hand
 We'll walk this road together, through the storm
 Whatever weather, cold or warm
 Just let you know that, you're not alone"

 I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
 Now some of  you might still be in that place
 If you're trying to get out, just follow me
 I'll get you there"

Being the dark horse and against all odds has been the story of my life
And every single time I got it done

Forward

I can hear my train comin'
It's a lonesome and distant cry
I can hear my train comin'
Now I'm runnin' for my life


What makes a man
Walk away from his mind?
I think I know
I think I might know

Is to rise to the challenge at hand
And make the best of it

I miss all of 'em back home
Because I'm just plain human and I still have a soul

But when that train started to move
I knew there was no returning from this one

Curse

It's not really fair
It never was
I do miss her dearly

If I had met her a bit earlier
I wouldn't have left the country
It would've been better as a whole

But it is what it is
She said she was going to wait for me
And I said I was going to get back to her

As we waved goodbye when the train started leaving
I suddenly realized that it'll be hard
But if she's gonna wait for me ..

.. well, that would make me very happy
And if it'll work out in the end
I'll know she's a keeper for a long, long time

She is a keeper
But I can't keep her right now
I will try my best to keep her, even if I'm away

It's never really fair, is it ?
It could've been the perfect scenario
Completely burn my past and demons
Open up a bright future

Just to see it put on pause

I just hope it's temporary

Because I was happy for the first time in years
And I don't think I have it in me to wait some more years
To just be happy

All alone

Literally, nobody knows what the fuck I've been through in the past 3 days
Nobody knows what was in my soul and heart
Nobody can understand really, at least not my friends
They haven't lived these kind of moments

Flying all by yourself on the other side of the world
Not knowing what the shit are you supposed to do
Hearing that your job got terminated and that you had to go in a different city

Flying into New York at night
With nobody to greet you, nobody to help you
Having no place to sleep nor knowing how the hell to get to Pittsburgh

Phone's dead, use a payphone
Hang around JFK hoping for better moments
Thinking about all the people back home

But on a cold, lonely night in JFK
A new part in me unleashed itself
A part that knew that I had to get shit done
Do or die

Flew for 10+ hours
I fucked around JFK a whole night
Took a shuttle bus to Point Authority
Booked the most ghetto ass bus ever to Pittsburgh
It took another 12 hours to get there
Rode the bus with meth heads, rappers, some high school drop outs, fat people
One really cool dude was on the bus, but he got off after a couple of hours
Didn't sleep all the way
Got to Pittsburgh and fucked around for another couple of hours to catch the bus to the Airport
Was the only white dude in the damn waiting place
Got to the airport at night, no housing, nobody to greet or help me out
Finally solved the housing problem
Got there
Could barely sleep, just another cheap ass motel owned by some Indians that barely speak any English
Showered after two days of traveling in the same clothes

The shit I got myself into is so much bigger than myself
I just hope for the best and pray for it
I don't know how this will pan out in the end
Or who will I be in 3 and half months from now
Just like a guy in the picture
It'll be a mystery right up until the end
I just hope my "do or die" approach will keep me going
That and all of my thoughts to all the people I left back home

I never thought I'll be here
Now I am
And I gotta make it work

So help me God

Diesel power

Probably the wildest days of my life
I have witnessed and lived so many memorable moments
It's unbelievable

I'm learning to be free
I'm learning how to live again

And it's amazing

After some years

You know that you're partying the right way
When you have scratches and bruises
A sore back and some fun memories

I don't care about tomorrow
But I do care that I have lived in the past 2 months
Like I haven't lived in a long, long time

Sometimes I can't believe it

The Suburbs

After a long, long time
It's nice to be in the spotlight for once

 It really is

Telekinesis - Coast of Carolina

That's what I see
And hear
When I take you home in the morning