Monsters

All the anger, all the rage
The hate, the bad vibes
The fuel of my core
Anger

Last year I was drifting towards Nowhereville, population me
Endless nights of drinking, endless nights of internal bleeding
Endless nights of fights, endless nights of anger fueled decisions
Endless nights of drifting, endless nights of hopelessness and desperation

All those years of doing nothing
No primary target, no desire, no drive
Just clinging to the past and hoping for a future built on yesterday's failures

A sad existence
Lived and partially created by one person
While holding on another sad person

A sad situation

Till that one night
The night I held that knife
The night I jumped in front of that car
The night I collapsed from the continuous heavy drinking
The night I burned it all to hell
The night I thought everything was done
Together with me and all of it

All my good intentions suddenly turned into soul crushing hate feelings
A burning feeling that ruined almost everything
The night that could've changed my life
In the worst possible scenario
Failure, prison, death

But like a cleansing fire
It restored balance
Not hope, not happiness
But balance

And one day everything changed
And one summer I grew up
And one summer a life was built
While the other was on pause

And one cold but bitterly sweet autumn
The other life was brought back to life

One year later

A promising job
A stable relationship
A variety of new skills
A sense of responsability
A strong drive
A pledge to live healthy
A pledge to get big
A determination to never fail

The envisioned future I always dreamed about
But in the wrong circumstances
Until the present

No more heavy drinking, no more hate filled days
No more endless drifting, no more chain smoking
No more having the feeling of losing my breath
No more night time confusion and destruction

I'm happy

And as much as I hated you
I wish you'll be happy too
Even if it's better not to ever see you again

One point in your life, you have what you want
Or the reason why you don't

Strangeness and charm

It's been a year since the Universe rewired everything for me
From the chaotic destruction path that seemed to be the end of me
To the emotional and physical roller coaster that followed

But a great roller coaster

It took the strength of three men to get up
Hell, I even worked like three men at three different jobs on a different continent
Eventually it paid off
All of it

The hell, the misery, the feeling of never recovering
To the amazing turnaround both for me and everything that surrounded me
Shadows of the past used to surround me
Now only the pretty clouds of the present and future do

I longed wished to be able to show this future to my past self
So he would no longer despair
It was for the best I couldn't

The joy and satisfaction would have not been the same

Peace, calmness and a place to feel important to people
That's all I always wanted
After all these years
These character toughening year

Re-sparking old friends and good feelings
Discipline and self confidence
A clear head and a strong drive

Everything fell to pieces
And now I have to make sure this place will last
As this place is real
For once

"A pattern to pattern
 Can you see it on me love
 Atom to atom
 What's the matter with me love"

Strangeness and Charm

That's what
Always there, forgot how to use them properly
 

Wrong team

The one trait that I had
That particular trait that I took pride in
The same trait that landed me in the shitter for years and years

Is
Fading away .. ?

Something's changed
Well not something, pretty much everything
People talk about things that I've done in the past
Good things
And I don't know who that person is
Because I wouldn't do 'em again

But I put my mask on
And day by day, gesture by gesture, wrinkle by wrinkle
I try to find out who is this person
The after America person

Mask on !

My regrets are few

I don't know who I am
I know who I was

I'm not really sure I like my new self
Incapable of being nice or loving
Capable of being cold and cynical but in a good way

Maybe I simply matured and evolved from the whole romance period

Popularity is not an issue, it seems that I'm getting along with a shitload of people
Even if I'm not interested in them
Yay ?

I just hope it's for the good
Because I know my past
And the person that used to be me
Is long dead

New me

For a better future

Who they are

For the first time since the winter of '07
There won't be {text missing}

It's time for a fresh start, pause/play and I don't know how Lucky I am
Yes, Lucky with a capital L
Because I am

My first winter of reconstruction
New memories
New happenings and new huggings
New gifts and laughters

Afters years of darkness
It's time to rise and make it right
Make it normal

I'm lucky
Or somebody out there really cares for me
Because it's time
It's time to make it happen

Time to make it bright and lovely
Time to .. heart ?

"The more you know your opponent, the less you come to like them
 A peculiar reality that began as a choice
 That became, irreversibly, a compulsion

 LET'S GO FUCKING PLAY !"

I "has" the strong feelings for you
But because I'm still recovering from heavy damages
It'll take a while to say it so

But I'm getting there
I always did
Always the dark horse

Past

I can play nice

But I never forget
Nor forgive

That's what people seem to miss

All These Things That I've Done

After almost 5 months
It's time to leave it all behind
Everything I've built with my bare hands

My own life, away from it all

Time to take it all back
My old life, part built by me, part built by luck

It's time
It's time to go home

Stave off

Now that I'm going home
People ask me if I'm excited, if I'm glad I'm returning

Whilst there are mixt feelings
I can't help but feel a bit unsettled about what will I find when I return

Will everything just go "pause/play" and what I've left behind
Continue like nothing happened ?
Is it broken or just latent ?
Can it be repaired or is just an empty shell filled with false hopes ?

Nothing left in the tank, no desire to work
Just .. just get me home

And let me see what's going to happen

Uncertainty kills me

Repairs

For the first time in almost 5 months
The saying "Romanian machine never breaks"
Came to an end

No, not really breaking
It just burned out, no more gas left in the tank

It's time to head home
Regroup, rest, rebuild

Home

Never thought I would be returning there

Wherever it might be

October

I've always had a soft spot for October and autumn in general
It's hard to explain, hard to explain the bitter sweet blues

Autumn has offered so many new starts and sudden endings
It's a time for high hopes and feel good moods

Right now, it only made me miss autumn back home
My true autumn

Right now it's filled with uncertainty

Still, the blues are here and they are nice to have on a cool, sunny morning
Hangin' on a cigarette

Help, I'm Alive

I'll always remember it

Because she rocked our faces off as she promised

I Could Go

Not much more to say
But that that I'm staying some more

How much more ?
We'll see

Line 1

Because sometimes I feel like I should never return
Never to be seen again, all gone

Because sometimes the future seems so uncertain
All the things that I believed in seem to fade away
I don't know what to believe or feel

Maybe I'd be better off here
Maybe everything will turn out fine

"I am trying to shake all these blues away
 Only good thoughts can stay

 And I'm trying to shake all these blues away

 And I'm trying to burn this lonely forest"

Sometimes shit seems to break down
Sometimes I seem to break down
But I never give up
Because I was raised relentless

Thinking about home reminds me how everything is falling apart
But I'm going to get shit back together
No matter how

That's why I work 16 hours a day
Thru pain and utter hell
I want to help the people that once helped me
No matter the battering or the costs I take
Or my body, for that matter

And it's the stars
They shine for you

They may not shine for me
I have been the dark horse and the underdog all of my life
And I'm never going to give up

Not now
Nor ever

Do or die
That's why I came here

To get shit done
And help everyone

That's how I roll

Heinrich Maneuver

Life has a funny way of balancing shit out
Just when you're about to snap and punch people in the throat
That's when shit changes

It just changed
And I got that boost in moral that made me go on
Got to spend pretty much the coolest day/night in last 2 months
The past week has been all good shit, all day long
Damned if I know how the Universe works

Sometimes I wish I never came here, sometimes I wish this would never end
Sometimes I'm lost
But sometimes I'm on top of the world

Right now, I'm on feel good streak

Toughness

Mental toughness
Because the dark part of my mind is a sleeping monster
And it feels like it's trying to wake up
For the first time in months
Because nothing is ever fair

As it seems things are falling apart back home
Or was it just an illusion the whole time ?

Most probably not
But it feels like shit is fading away

Mental toughness is what I've got left
As I battle fatigue and injuries
I keep a happy face tho
Because the people around me make me smile

It's better that no one knows what's really going on inside of my head
Because here
I'm somebody else
Someone I barely even recognize
But in a good way

*Fate don't fail me now
I'm me
All that I believe I set myself free
So take all the time you need
And let yourself be

I'm as fucked up as they say
I can't fake the daytime
Found an entrance to escape into the dark
Got false lights for the sun
It's an artificial nocturne*

Focus

It goes on
Never really believed my body can take this kind of grind
The kind of battering I was ever so scared of enduring
But I'm handling it 
Even better, I'm starting to strive under a new kind of pressure

I have a good feeling of a job well done
When you stand out of the crowd thanks to your work ethic and dedication
And when you're able to bond with other people
Lead other people
And get shit done
I know I'm making someone proud

In less thank three weeks, I went from being completely clueless
To an important member of the team
And I'll rise through the ranks in the new place, too

It's important I stay focused and ready
It's important to keep my shit together
It's important to know there's going to be a happy ending
No matter what

Eyes on the prize

"Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Keep it up, I know you can
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Cause I am"

I do miss one particular thing
A very particular hug

Team, get it together !

Against all odds

I won't hide it
I never really did like to work
Not back home, not where everybody was an asshole
But I do like to work in America
I do like it when people are amazed by the fact that I'm a fast learner
And that I have strong work ethic
I'm amazed too, I didn't think I had it in me

The fist bumps
The "good work, man" or "why can't the rest work like you ?" and "dude, this guy is ready !"
The pat on the back
The teamwork and camaraderie that I've witnessed
It's great and I'm emerging as a leader and a strong worker
I've advanced like no other in less than 2 weeks
I'm not blowing my own horn here, I'm just glad to know I'm not a failure
And that I am going to survive in this world
I wasn't sure I had it in me
But it feels great to know I'm not useless

"Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn"

I miss all the people I left behind
And I'm sorry I can't help them out
Because some of them need help

But I do miss them dearly
And I miss her a hella lot
But I will come back
And I will set the record straight
And drag everybody with me
To better days

"Everybody come take my hand
 We'll walk this road together, through the storm
 Whatever weather, cold or warm
 Just let you know that, you're not alone"

 I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
 Now some of  you might still be in that place
 If you're trying to get out, just follow me
 I'll get you there"

Being the dark horse and against all odds has been the story of my life
And every single time I got it done

Forward

I can hear my train comin'
It's a lonesome and distant cry
I can hear my train comin'
Now I'm runnin' for my life


What makes a man
Walk away from his mind?
I think I know
I think I might know

Is to rise to the challenge at hand
And make the best of it

I miss all of 'em back home
Because I'm just plain human and I still have a soul

But when that train started to move
I knew there was no returning from this one

Curse

It's not really fair
It never was
I do miss her dearly

If I had met her a bit earlier
I wouldn't have left the country
It would've been better as a whole

But it is what it is
She said she was going to wait for me
And I said I was going to get back to her

As we waved goodbye when the train started leaving
I suddenly realized that it'll be hard
But if she's gonna wait for me ..

.. well, that would make me very happy
And if it'll work out in the end
I'll know she's a keeper for a long, long time

She is a keeper
But I can't keep her right now
I will try my best to keep her, even if I'm away

It's never really fair, is it ?
It could've been the perfect scenario
Completely burn my past and demons
Open up a bright future

Just to see it put on pause

I just hope it's temporary

Because I was happy for the first time in years
And I don't think I have it in me to wait some more years
To just be happy