One mistake in a subtle way

What the hell I am doing with my life?
People like to get high, like to get messed up on different shit
But keeping it real will always be good and nice for a lost soul,
Alcohol.

While happiness is best known and acknowledged after it is lost
And such a moment is never desired.
It has been lived before and such moments will not be appreciated
Until lost.

I love alcohol. I always did. I'll always will. Nothing will stop my relationship to it.
But for every glass, for every shot, for every beer
There's a consequence
Which I refuse to recognize.

I'll always miss Christmas in both '05 and '07
But mostly '07 and the never-to-be-forgotten-feelings
And the cozy feeling from such a time
God, if only there was a way to bring all back, NOW!

That's why giving to charity, Secret Santa and other people has turned into a yearly habit
Something to just simulate such a pure and unaltered moment
Which I have been longing for so long..

This is the time that we let it go
This is the pain we are forced to know
Singing the song that's inside, inside us all, inside us all

A paradise

With everything going to shit so quickly
One song is stuck in the mind

A paradise

Noctua lost

The soul sucking past has been left
The promised future has been started
But why does it all feel wrong?

Changing the scenery promised better times and feelings
But relegating from a leader to your average Joe
Albeit a desired wish for so long
Why does it feel so wrong?

The uncertainty, the lack of knowledge, the confusion
Missing all the familiar scenes and people
Inside jokes and sayings
Why does it feel so wrong to not have them anymore?

Everything I wished for when I was 23 has been achieved
Wishes started from that one dreadful night
Yet it feels like something is missing,
Like that one final piece of the puzzle.

But what is the final piece of the puzzle?

Confusion is the word and there's no end in sight
Where are we to go from here? To whom? To what? Why keep going forward?
Why go downtown to get drunk? Why leave the house anyway?

Putting more makeup on the masks that we wear
Turning our nightlights on in the daytime to scare

The belief factor

"Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock
These days my life, I feel it has no purpose
But late at night the feelings swim to the surface"

2 years of growing, believing and ultimately,
Darkness
2 years of rising from your average Joe to a Lead
But at what enormous cost?

Now the tides have turned
The darkness that has consumed every bit of my personality
Due to the lack of free time or anything because of this hell hole
Is about to get pushed back

One more step remains to a new and different tomorrow
For a brighter future, for a better place
One more step

And I could punch the clock but not lose my soul in between
In this improved tomorrow

"And there's no end in sight
I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights"

Cough Syrup

As I climb the corporate ladder
Leading now a full team and carrying enough responsibility
For every sunken beer, for every lost night
For every stupid gossip heard, for every hour lost there

The closer chaos looms over it all
While bolstering a powerful, all present sound that's not going away
But only grows stronger as time flies

Like a ship violently cradled through a storm
That's how the chaos is taking its toll
And the noise is now unbearable

Nowhere to turn for a steady place
It's only me and the pending downfall

Just hope that the growing darkness
Will have mercy

"I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare"

My God rest your soul
You deserve it

A Tree For All These Problems

Each passing day
In which he's dying
Is a day in which I feel helpless

The prophetic pillar
In which I have to gather everyone around
Is non existent
I'm exhausted, fatigued, done

1200 over time hours, 149.50 extra working days
All for a beautiful Christmas
A Christmas that barely escaped the darkness
A darkness that lingers

I drink the day away
To make it nice in my head
But when I wake up
It's even worse

Seeing her cry everyday as he passes away
Simply demolishes me
And I can't get it all together
To make it alright for everyone, as I envisioned when I took up the extra hours

I'm a horrible person,
Fuck this year,
I just hope it's going to get better in the future

Although darkness will first follow,
The funeral,
The bad things.

There's no hope and maybe everything will turn around
Not for me
But for the rest of y'all

"Though to say we got much hope
If i am lost it's only for a little while

When faced with darkness,
There is opportunity for light "  

No, it isn't

150, 134, 127, 124, 123.40, 117, 114
All hours
All hours I will never recover
Moments and nights I will never regain
Moments and nights I've spent working, slaving the day away

This whole year has been a bust
I'm a horrible person and I can barely go to bed at night anymore
To hell with this place, to hell with all related to it, to hell with it all
Forever the dark horse, forever broken

So please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you

13-14

Receiving a price for a feat
That would've been better if completed in a better place
But I'll take it as it is

Still,
The roar, the restlessness, the need for change
A change on my terms
Is present and harder to control

"Nights like this I become afraid
Of the darkness in my heart
Hurricane"

No space among the clouds

I've accomplished what was set in my mind
In that agonizing and uplifting year of 2012

Now where do I go? What do I do?
Is the past an option? The present?
What do I want from the future?

Time goes by and the urge to change everything lurks ever so persistent
Do I want to start from scratch, like 2012, when everything was bad?
But now everything's good?

There's a light up ahead but it's a mysterious one.

Deluxe 100S

"It was at times a long, difficult road.
But I'm glad it was long and difficult,
Because if I hadn't gone through hell to get there,
The lesson might not have been as clear"

As nights went by while sitting in the office
During a late night cigarette
I took the time be grateful for that one night
That one night two years ago
That changed it all..

Hard to see

Who is gonna break the ice
No room for shallow alibis
Who will be the first to bite?
Until we keep on playing nice
Until the next time..

3 people for 2 or only 1 promotion spot
Am I ready for it?
Will I be able to quell the subsequent storm?

Piano

It's times like these that make you realize that life isn't holding still
Time flies and it will not break its course

I'll be there for you, now more than ever
I know, nobody saw it coming
But you're strong and you'll find it within to move forward
While respectfully paying tribute to those who no longer are with us
Because life isn't holding still

Unbroken

I remembered why
As some things and habits never change
Pretty predictable
I remember why I let it all go

Was given
Was expected

Present/Future

The long awaited future
The fast forward envisioned over and over again

So many things said, many more left unsaid
Some too little, some too late
Some good, some bad
Not black and white, but more gray

Different colors, different lives,
Different people, different locations
Different morals, different ideas,
One single hug
The same hug

When I met you
When you met me

We tell ourselves endlessly to live in the moment
But there's something to be said for anticipation
On point in your life when you have what you want
Or the reason why you don't 

Winter breath

Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

But yet I wonder
After all this time

Will I see you on the other side?
Which you will it be on the other side?

Will it be a simple reflektor?

There was nothing inside
But memories left abandoned

Fallen leaves

  

 Oh

The sweet autumn air

The sweet autumn blues

202

With no leads to steer us
With no backstabbers to hold us back

Late night work, people sleeping on bean bags
People losing their shit, epilepsy attacks
People having the thousand yard stare at 3 in the morning
People lacking sleep but still coming in
People struggling not to break
Leaving late at night, waiting for sunnier days

We, the rag tag team of 202
Holding shit down
While juggling between three projects and three continents

It better count for something
Because it's draining us
And while we march on
It sometimes feels endless

But if last summer taught me something
Was to work under pressure
And to support the guy next to me

OT

Sometimes things don't go all that good in a particular day
Sometimes you might be wrong because somebody else was wrong
But you're going to pay the price

It's even harder when you're a perfectionist
And it isn't your fault

I fucking hate Mondays

But you gotta pick it up
And push forward
Lesson learned

Monsters

All the anger, all the rage
The hate, the bad vibes
The fuel of my core
Anger

Last year I was drifting towards Nowhereville, population me
Endless nights of drinking, endless nights of internal bleeding
Endless nights of fights, endless nights of anger fueled decisions
Endless nights of drifting, endless nights of hopelessness and desperation

All those years of doing nothing
No primary target, no desire, no drive
Just clinging to the past and hoping for a future built on yesterday's failures

A sad existence
Lived and partially created by one person
While holding on another sad person

A sad situation

Till that one night
The night I held that knife
The night I jumped in front of that car
The night I collapsed from the continuous heavy drinking
The night I burned it all to hell
The night I thought everything was done
Together with me and all of it

All my good intentions suddenly turned into soul crushing hate feelings
A burning feeling that ruined almost everything
The night that could've changed my life
In the worst possible scenario
Failure, prison, death

But like a cleansing fire
It restored balance
Not hope, not happiness
But balance

And one day everything changed
And one summer I grew up
And one summer a life was built
While the other was on pause

And one cold but bitterly sweet autumn
The other life was brought back to life

One year later

A promising job
A stable relationship
A variety of new skills
A sense of responsability
A strong drive
A pledge to live healthy
A pledge to get big
A determination to never fail

The envisioned future I always dreamed about
But in the wrong circumstances
Until the present

No more heavy drinking, no more hate filled days
No more endless drifting, no more chain smoking
No more having the feeling of losing my breath
No more night time confusion and destruction

I'm happy

And as much as I hated you
I wish you'll be happy too
Even if it's better not to ever see you again

One point in your life, you have what you want
Or the reason why you don't