Present/Future

The long awaited future
The fast forward envisioned over and over again

So many things said, many more left unsaid
Some too little, some too late
Some good, some bad
Not black and white, but more gray

Different colors, different lives,
Different people, different locations
Different morals, different ideas,
One single hug
The same hug

When I met you
When you met me

We tell ourselves endlessly to live in the moment
But there's something to be said for anticipation
On point in your life when you have what you want
Or the reason why you don't 

Winter breath

Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

But yet I wonder
After all this time

Will I see you on the other side?
Which you will it be on the other side?

Will it be a simple reflektor?

There was nothing inside
But memories left abandoned

Fallen leaves

  

 Oh

The sweet autumn air

The sweet autumn blues

202

With no leads to steer us
With no backstabbers to hold us back

Late night work, people sleeping on bean bags
People losing their shit, epilepsy attacks
People having the thousand yard stare at 3 in the morning
People lacking sleep but still coming in
People struggling not to break
Leaving late at night, waiting for sunnier days

We, the rag tag team of 202
Holding shit down
While juggling between three projects and three continents

It better count for something
Because it's draining us
And while we march on
It sometimes feels endless

But if last summer taught me something
Was to work under pressure
And to support the guy next to me

OT

Sometimes things don't go all that good in a particular day
Sometimes you might be wrong because somebody else was wrong
But you're going to pay the price

It's even harder when you're a perfectionist
And it isn't your fault

I fucking hate Mondays

But you gotta pick it up
And push forward
Lesson learned

Monsters

All the anger, all the rage
The hate, the bad vibes
The fuel of my core
Anger

Last year I was drifting towards Nowhereville, population me
Endless nights of drinking, endless nights of internal bleeding
Endless nights of fights, endless nights of anger fueled decisions
Endless nights of drifting, endless nights of hopelessness and desperation

All those years of doing nothing
No primary target, no desire, no drive
Just clinging to the past and hoping for a future built on yesterday's failures

A sad existence
Lived and partially created by one person
While holding on another sad person

A sad situation

Till that one night
The night I held that knife
The night I jumped in front of that car
The night I collapsed from the continuous heavy drinking
The night I burned it all to hell
The night I thought everything was done
Together with me and all of it

All my good intentions suddenly turned into soul crushing hate feelings
A burning feeling that ruined almost everything
The night that could've changed my life
In the worst possible scenario
Failure, prison, death

But like a cleansing fire
It restored balance
Not hope, not happiness
But balance

And one day everything changed
And one summer I grew up
And one summer a life was built
While the other was on pause

And one cold but bitterly sweet autumn
The other life was brought back to life

One year later

A promising job
A stable relationship
A variety of new skills
A sense of responsability
A strong drive
A pledge to live healthy
A pledge to get big
A determination to never fail

The envisioned future I always dreamed about
But in the wrong circumstances
Until the present

No more heavy drinking, no more hate filled days
No more endless drifting, no more chain smoking
No more having the feeling of losing my breath
No more night time confusion and destruction

I'm happy

And as much as I hated you
I wish you'll be happy too
Even if it's better not to ever see you again

One point in your life, you have what you want
Or the reason why you don't

Strangeness and charm

It's been a year since the Universe rewired everything for me
From the chaotic destruction path that seemed to be the end of me
To the emotional and physical roller coaster that followed

But a great roller coaster

It took the strength of three men to get up
Hell, I even worked like three men at three different jobs on a different continent
Eventually it paid off
All of it

The hell, the misery, the feeling of never recovering
To the amazing turnaround both for me and everything that surrounded me
Shadows of the past used to surround me
Now only the pretty clouds of the present and future do

I longed wished to be able to show this future to my past self
So he would no longer despair
It was for the best I couldn't

The joy and satisfaction would have not been the same

Peace, calmness and a place to feel important to people
That's all I always wanted
After all these years
These character toughening year

Re-sparking old friends and good feelings
Discipline and self confidence
A clear head and a strong drive

Everything fell to pieces
And now I have to make sure this place will last
As this place is real
For once

"A pattern to pattern
 Can you see it on me love
 Atom to atom
 What's the matter with me love"

Strangeness and Charm

That's what
Always there, forgot how to use them properly
 

Wrong team

The one trait that I had
That particular trait that I took pride in
The same trait that landed me in the shitter for years and years

Is
Fading away .. ?

Something's changed
Well not something, pretty much everything
People talk about things that I've done in the past
Good things
And I don't know who that person is
Because I wouldn't do 'em again

But I put my mask on
And day by day, gesture by gesture, wrinkle by wrinkle
I try to find out who is this person
The after America person

Mask on !

My regrets are few

I don't know who I am
I know who I was

I'm not really sure I like my new self
Incapable of being nice or loving
Capable of being cold and cynical but in a good way

Maybe I simply matured and evolved from the whole romance period

Popularity is not an issue, it seems that I'm getting along with a shitload of people
Even if I'm not interested in them
Yay ?

I just hope it's for the good
Because I know my past
And the person that used to be me
Is long dead

New me

For a better future