Born and Raised

New Disorder, Electric Castle, Dorna, Summer Well, Smida, Warsaw, the sea
All these peculiar places and feelings, new kisses and rooms
Stress induced weight loss, saturation of the corporate well, endless soul wandering
Loss of belief in chance and faith.

The sound of settling and maturing boomed
Shrieking has adulthood crept upon oneself
But the kerfuffle has grown too strong
To make a choice, an utter unshakeable decision.

I am here. But I'm never really there. And I will never be whole in one place alone.

I've lost all direction
I've lost all my direction
And now I wish, that I would have believed
Could have believed

New Disorder 2000 - Part Two - Golden Age

Golden Age; plural noun: golden ages
an idyllic, often imaginary past time of peace, prosperity, and happiness.

General wellness and satisfaction has touched and influenced every major civilization,
Every city state,
Any tribe throughout human history,
Each individual that has ever roamed the face of the Earth.

When something comes along and flips your world upside down
And while your world is perfectly fine
It seems that this flip can and has caused a rapture in said world.

A random encounter that has evolved
Into something that can make one dance like an idiot
And feel #noshame about it
But one that can also bring down all known Universe build in the last few years.

And every time I let you leave
I always saw you coming back to me

New Disorder 2000

From that earth shattering night
Almost five years ago.

The balance in human interactions had shifted
And that the inner demon that plagues every male being
Was and is so much awake in him.

All the random meet-ups, all the scents, all the foreign rooms, the new bodies
The dancing, the talking, the getting to know
The kiss that sealed the deal,

Were never enough and they will never be
As the soul will forever roam thinking if this is the right choice
Since it grows tired of the same perfume
And will forever seek a new one.

If I was scared
I would
And if I was pure
You know I would
And if I was yours
But I'm not

SQA Mid

As the corporate life takes over
As the promotion wishes come true
As the idea to sustain a higher standard of living
As life swirls around deadlines and paychecks
Is this it? Is all the struggle down to only this?

Youth is fading away.
No matter the money or what they can buy
Youth is going away
And whatever half-decisions are made
It's not bringing it back.

If only the boxes of DCs were delivered a bit later
Perhaps 5 years later
The possibilities?
Endless.

Naked we come, naked we leave
Fools we are, to hold tightly

4th floor

This song, on repeat
For a week continuously

I hear your voice and it seems
As if it was all a dream
I wish it was all a dream

But the Czech Republic was not a dream
Nor your voice, the chair in front of me... 

CZ/US dillema

As the eyes gazed through the window
The Czech Republic's scenery view reminded those eyes
Of another stunningly beautiful view
The one of Pennsylvania

And those eyes remembered that 4 years ago
They were gazing from a bus, just like now
But under such different conditions

While viewing this, the eyes started wondering
If these 4 years were what they have wanted
Or if the person seating in front of them now on the bus
This entity that these eyes have never met before
Could it be.. or is it just the brain being finally freed from routine
And nothing more but an outburst of questions?

I've been thinking too much
Help me

One mistake in a subtle way

What the hell I am doing with my life?
People like to get high, like to get messed up on different shit
But keeping it real will always be good and nice for a lost soul,
Alcohol.

While happiness is best known and acknowledged after it is lost
And such a moment is never desired.
It has been lived before and such moments will not be appreciated
Until lost.

I love alcohol. I always did. I'll always will. Nothing will stop my relationship to it.
But for every glass, for every shot, for every beer
There's a consequence
Which I refuse to recognize.

I'll always miss Christmas in both '05 and '07
But mostly '07 and the never-to-be-forgotten-feelings
And the cozy feeling from such a time
God, if only there was a way to bring all back, NOW!

That's why giving to charity, Secret Santa and other people has turned into a yearly habit
Something to just simulate such a pure and unaltered moment
Which I have been longing for so long..

This is the time that we let it go
This is the pain we are forced to know
Singing the song that's inside, inside us all, inside us all

A paradise

With everything going to shit so quickly
One song is stuck in the mind

A paradise

Noctua lost

The soul sucking past has been left
The promised future has been started
But why does it all feel wrong?

Changing the scenery promised better times and feelings
But relegating from a leader to your average Joe
Albeit a desired wish for so long
Why does it feel so wrong?

The uncertainty, the lack of knowledge, the confusion
Missing all the familiar scenes and people
Inside jokes and sayings
Why does it feel so wrong to not have them anymore?

Everything I wished for when I was 23 has been achieved
Wishes started from that one dreadful night
Yet it feels like something is missing,
Like that one final piece of the puzzle.

But what is the final piece of the puzzle?

Confusion is the word and there's no end in sight
Where are we to go from here? To whom? To what? Why keep going forward?
Why go downtown to get drunk? Why leave the house anyway?

Putting more makeup on the masks that we wear
Turning our nightlights on in the daytime to scare

The belief factor

"Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock
These days my life, I feel it has no purpose
But late at night the feelings swim to the surface"

2 years of growing, believing and ultimately,
Darkness
2 years of rising from your average Joe to a Lead
But at what enormous cost?

Now the tides have turned
The darkness that has consumed every bit of my personality
Due to the lack of free time or anything because of this hell hole
Is about to get pushed back

One more step remains to a new and different tomorrow
For a brighter future, for a better place
One more step

And I could punch the clock but not lose my soul in between
In this improved tomorrow

"And there's no end in sight
I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights"

Cough Syrup

As I climb the corporate ladder
Leading now a full team and carrying enough responsibility
For every sunken beer, for every lost night
For every stupid gossip heard, for every hour lost there

The closer chaos looms over it all
While bolstering a powerful, all present sound that's not going away
But only grows stronger as time flies

Like a ship violently cradled through a storm
That's how the chaos is taking its toll
And the noise is now unbearable

Nowhere to turn for a steady place
It's only me and the pending downfall

Just hope that the growing darkness
Will have mercy

"I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare"

My God rest your soul
You deserve it

A Tree For All These Problems

Each passing day
In which he's dying
Is a day in which I feel helpless

The prophetic pillar
In which I have to gather everyone around
Is non existent
I'm exhausted, fatigued, done

1200 over time hours, 149.50 extra working days
All for a beautiful Christmas
A Christmas that barely escaped the darkness
A darkness that lingers

I drink the day away
To make it nice in my head
But when I wake up
It's even worse

Seeing her cry everyday as he passes away
Simply demolishes me
And I can't get it all together
To make it alright for everyone, as I envisioned when I took up the extra hours

I'm a horrible person,
Fuck this year,
I just hope it's going to get better in the future

Although darkness will first follow,
The funeral,
The bad things.

There's no hope and maybe everything will turn around
Not for me
But for the rest of y'all

"Though to say we got much hope
If i am lost it's only for a little while

When faced with darkness,
There is opportunity for light "  

No, it isn't

150, 134, 127, 124, 123.40, 117, 114
All hours
All hours I will never recover
Moments and nights I will never regain
Moments and nights I've spent working, slaving the day away

This whole year has been a bust
I'm a horrible person and I can barely go to bed at night anymore
To hell with this place, to hell with all related to it, to hell with it all
Forever the dark horse, forever broken

So please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you

13-14

Receiving a price for a feat
That would've been better if completed in a better place
But I'll take it as it is

Still,
The roar, the restlessness, the need for change
A change on my terms
Is present and harder to control

"Nights like this I become afraid
Of the darkness in my heart
Hurricane"

No space among the clouds

I've accomplished what was set in my mind
In that agonizing and uplifting year of 2012

Now where do I go? What do I do?
Is the past an option? The present?
What do I want from the future?

Time goes by and the urge to change everything lurks ever so persistent
Do I want to start from scratch, like 2012, when everything was bad?
But now everything's good?

There's a light up ahead but it's a mysterious one.

Deluxe 100S

"It was at times a long, difficult road.
But I'm glad it was long and difficult,
Because if I hadn't gone through hell to get there,
The lesson might not have been as clear"

As nights went by while sitting in the office
During a late night cigarette
I took the time be grateful for that one night
That one night two years ago
That changed it all..

Hard to see

Who is gonna break the ice
No room for shallow alibis
Who will be the first to bite?
Until we keep on playing nice
Until the next time..

3 people for 2 or only 1 promotion spot
Am I ready for it?
Will I be able to quell the subsequent storm?

Piano

It's times like these that make you realize that life isn't holding still
Time flies and it will not break its course

I'll be there for you, now more than ever
I know, nobody saw it coming
But you're strong and you'll find it within to move forward
While respectfully paying tribute to those who no longer are with us
Because life isn't holding still

Unbroken

I remembered why
As some things and habits never change
Pretty predictable
I remember why I let it all go

Was given
Was expected